INTERNAL WAR

THE WAR: BRAIN vs HEART

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.”

I want to suck all the marrow out of life. I want to live life deliberately.

Since childhood, being the black sheep of the family, I had some ‘strange’ obsessions like rock and jazz, poetry, art, psychedelic works and theater. They helped me evade reality.  I did not allow myself to be absorbed by the conformity of those around me. I kept being true to my beliefs. Believing that one day, I will achieve greatness. One day, I will turn my dreams into reality. And for all that to happen, I will not let my great spirit be crushed by the mediocre minds which are incapable of understanding the woman who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express her opinions courageously and honestly. I had that burning fire inside my soul which could not be extinguished by anything. Anything. But every so often, this ‘Love’ puts to rout the passionate and enthusiastic ‘Me’. You question everything and you have an answer for everything.

This ‘beautiful’ feeling of love really messes up with all your dreams. Your passions. It makes you question your once strong beliefs. But often I find myself looking at a father swinging his daughter in his strong yet tender arms. Making her believe that no matter what happens, she will always have him. I can’t help but wonder what it’ll be like to have someone hug you tight when you cry yourself to sleep late at night. And these things make me feel weak and strong at the same time. Like I have something so precious that I cannot dare lose.

 And love is never the way you expect it to be. You just know it when it happens. You find that one person you weren’t looking for in the middle of your eventful day at work. And at that moment you realize that you were missing something you didn’t know all along. How happy are the actors in Rom-com movies. Each pray’r accepted, and each wish grant’d. Making us believe that Life turns out exactly the way you expect it to. But in reality, the cruelest force of nature, Time, intervenes and destroys your fairy-tale beliefs. You learn to live with the pain. The suffering. And eventually, you create barriers around yourself and guard your heart above everything else.  Restricting yourself from having any joy. Thinking you don’t deserve to be happy. That you are not good enough.

Listen to that voice.

Only to get back up and prove it wrong. 

Embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring the darkness. 

You have enough motivation inside of you to get back up on your feet and conquer those demons. Just stay true to your beliefs and learn to Love Yourself first. Learn to Accept Yourself just the way you are. And maybe then you will be able to choose for yourself between Love and Career. Because in the end, it all comes down to Hope. Hope that the odds will be in your favor. Hope that you will not regret your current choice 5 or 10 years down the line. Hope that you will be able to create The Balance.